I know, I know, I still owe you guys the second half of the access/accomodation post, it’s just that this popped up and I wanted to talk about it…
I’m sure that every person with a disability has at some point encountered the pity effect. This is fresh on my mind right now because someone at reddit.com responded to my post about needing help to get a service dog by asking ‘Why should I pity you?’
I can speak with confidence to say that the vast majority of us do not want to be pitied. Sometimes we want help, sometimes we want sympathy, sometimes we just want someone to give a damn. But pity? No.
Self-help books and presentations everywhere speak to the uselessness of wallowing in self-pity. It’s a waste of energy, it doesn’t help, it really gets you stuck on your problem and doesn’t let you think of solutions, so on.
If self-pity is so bad, then why do we ever think that pitying others is good?
When someone is pitied, they stop being a human being to the person who is pitying them. Instead, they are a thing – an object. We become a disability, a problem, a sad story.
It sets us apart. When people pity, they feel guilty when they interact with that person, so it becomes ‘painful’ – and that ‘pain’ gets transferred to us, so that people who pity see US as painful! Nevermind that what’s painful is their reaction to us, and choosing to see us as a pitiful thing instead of a fellow human being.
Okay, so many of us need help.
Would you pity someone who asked you to grab something off the top shelf because they are too short to reach it?
Would you pity someone who asked you to help set up for a party because they don’t have the time to do everything?
Would you pity someone who needed help with a door because their hands were full of groceries?
Then why pity us when we need help?
~Kali
Kali, this post really hits the nail on the head. Do you mind if I link it at mine?
Please feel free to!
This is so true – I often think of the example of people getting things off a high shelf. It’s interesting to see where the line is for people: what specific things or situations trigger that “disabled pity” perception for them and which don’t? And why? And there’s times when I make a request that anyone might make, but because I “look disabled”, other people act strange.
The high shelf example is one that I’ve used for myself pretty much since I got sick. As I’m 5’2, it’s one that really worked for me because I have had to ask someone to reach for the top shelf relatively often.
It’s funny, I’ve noticed that my aids make a difference in the disabled pity analysis – when people can’t see my knee and ankle braces (which look pretty heavy duty industrial, I’m sure you’re familiar with that particular phenomenon), they don’t respond much to my forearm crutches, other than occasionally holding doors open. People still seem to think that if we’re walking towards each other, I should go around them rather than vice versa, and that I should be able to carry things for myself, and so on. I add the braces and suddenly people are a lot more conscious of what I can and can’t do. At events, I wear a wrist brace to avoid handshakes (which have a high potential for dislocating something), and everyone always asks, with wide eyes ‘What happened?!’ They respond to the knee and ankle braces in much the same way.
Oh do I ever hate the way that perfectly normal requests from a person with a disability get treated oddly! I so often hear clerks in supermarkets offer help to the car, but when I ask for it they look at me like it’s something strange to request. People seem to think it’s a big deal to hold doors, or hold elevators, or push elevator buttons for me, when non-disabled people ask for that stuff all the time.
I know the feeling.it makes you feel dehumanised and pathetic.i hate it when people feel sad for me not because i am proud but because i cease to be one of them….i become this helpless person and they just dont treat me the same..it drives me crazy
I see it now!
I wasn’t trying to pity others, and when I asked what happened I genuinely want to know what happened and how I can help.
I always wondered why people tell me not to pity others, as I thought it was… An appropriate kind of emotion? Like being happy when a friend is happy.
I’ve compared my past actions with your examples, and I THINK I know what I should do in the future.
Wonder if being sympathetic is the same as pitying someone?
All in all,
Thank you so much! >.<
I was thinking about volunteer for injured vets. A friend who served two dutties in Afghan told me I could do it but not to ever pity them, so I had to look the woe up? Word.
[…] would be better without and has not chosen (and this condescending and prejudiced attitude has been challenged at length). There is still the view that eating disorders are somehow a choice. And that a person […]
Thanks for this heart-warming post. I’ve just lost a competition (Don’t pity me). Of course I’m sad, but the things that hurt me the most were the pitying looks my teacher and friends gave me. They also kept saying things like, “Don’t cry.” Or “There will be a second chance for you.” Seriously, at first, I almost cried after losing the competition. However, their comments hit it where it hurt and resulted in me crying my eyes out. I hate,no..I’M AFRAID OF BEING PITIED. Is that stupid? But I can’t help it. I know they may not give a damn the next day or I may have too much stupid pride, but what can I do? What can I do with this useless feelings? They won’t get away. That’s why I hate to cry in front of other people. It shows that I’m weak. Damn this ego. I really want to learn how to hold your tears in front of other people, even when they’re trying to comfort me. I really wanted to say, “Thanks for your sympathy, but you’re hurting me with it.” But that way, they’ll think that I’m a ungrateful bastard. Just what am I supposed to do?
I think the key to having this interaction to go smoothly is to have it (at least the first time) at a time when the issue isn’t current, because it lets you have it when you and they are less emotional. It’s easier to clearly speak your mind when you’re not emotional, and the same goes for hearing what someone is saying. So perhaps the next time you have a competition coming up, before the competition, you can speak to your friends and explain, “I can deal with losing in a competition, but having people try to comfort me actually makes me more upset. If I don’t win this next one, can you give me my space until I come to you? I will feel better if you give me time to collect myself.”
That said, I’m not sure what you’re talking about here is pity. I think it’s sympathy – they perceive that you have experienced a thing that has caused you to hurt, and they are reacting by trying to comfort that hurt. I’m not saying unwanted sympathy isn’t uncomfortable – it certainly can be. I think the biggest difference between sympathy and pity is that pity involves looking down on the person you are applying it to. Sympathy generally doesn’t; it usually involves compassion or sorrow for the person who was hurt. I think perhaps you are so afraid of being pitied that you see pity where it is not, in much the same way a person who is afraid of being slighted may take offence at comments that are not slights but could possibly be interpreted that way. It might be worth talking through this with a therapist to figure out why you fear pity so much, and how to reframe your understanding of compassionate responses so that they don’t trip your ‘pity alarm’.
Thank you so much for the solutions and for being understanding. I’ll try to do that next time. Once again, thank you.