Posts Tagged ‘brains’

I know I mostly talk about my physical illnesses/disabilities, but they aren’t the only ones I deal with. I am bipolar type II, though I flirt with type I when under pressure. I also have a bit of OCD – enough for it to be mildly disruptive and entirely annoying to people around me. I have PTSD (relatively mild) and occasionally have panic attacks. I’m also a pathological planner/worrier.

Now, the OCD is for the most part pretty managable and it springs from things that are originally reasonable. For example, because of the fibromyalgia and sensitive skin, I’m extremely sensitive to folds, seams, tags, fabric softener, quality of fabric, and so on. However, this turns into an obsession with the sheets being pulled so that there are no wrinkles. A desire to have my clothing folded JUST SO. Disliking having shoes or socks on. Extreme particularism about how the laundry is done. The list goes on and on. Fortunately, my boyfriend is an exceptionally tolerant, patient person, and he rarely gets ruffled by this…twitch…of mine. I think the fact that he has an office that I never even look at, and thus a place he can do whatever he wants, probably helps with the balance of things.

Day to day, the OCD is a nuisance but not really hard to work with. It just kind of…is. It dictates a lot about the details of how things are done, but of all the things about me that require coping skills, it’s a relatively mild one (except the occasional night where I keep having to check that the doors are locked…those are very rough on my joints as I go up and down the stairs again and again and again). Yeah, once in a while the boyfriend and I end up snapping at each other over it, but on the whole, it doesn’t change our lives much.

I would not be surprised if my need to plan things and figure out what happens IF (fill in the blank) are OCD behaviors. It’s definitely compulsive, and something I am absolutely incapable of stopping. I can sometimes…manage…it, but usually the best option is to give in, sit down and do the planning/worrying/projecting, get best case and wrost case scenarios, and try to estimate likelihood of the various outcomes. Then, I can finally get on with life again. Knowing what will happen in the worst case really helps me maintain sanity and let go a little of this worry. Did I mention that I don’t really like change, and tend to react to it poorly initially? I think that falls under this, too, because it’s harder for me to plot the potential future outcomes when I have some new variable to deal with. There is little that troubles me as much as financial/job insecurity.

Bipolarism is another matter altogether. Part of the trouble with it is the vigilance needed. I (and to a lesser extent, the boyfriend) have to watch for hints of mania and depression. Am I sleeping less than usual? More? Do I end up talking faster and getting excited about seemingly insignificant things? Am I…grey, with no strong feelings about anything? (sorry, it’s a state that’s hard to describe).

And then there’s when it hits. Both upswings and downswings are dangerous to my relationships. In upswings, I am easily angered and prone to snapping and fighting. I have boundless enthusiasm and am less than pleasant when others don’t go along with it. I’m thin skinned and easily hurt. There’s a lurking mild paranoia that everyone is talking about me behind my back and secretly can’t stand me (which has only been aggrivated by periods in my life where that has been mostly true). In downswings, I have such a deep inertia that it is almost impossible to get me moving, physically or emotionally. Physically, I am tired and want to sleep a lot, and I don’t really want to get out of bed. I don’t care about eating, which means I either forget to eat or eat far too much of things I find tempting. I also eat a lot of convenience food, because preparing something more wholesome is just too much work. I worry deeply about the future, and question the futility of continuing with law school constantly. I often go incommunicado, speaking only in class or when spoken to directly. I don’t sign on instant messenger or call people, and I often retreat into books. When I’m depressed, it’s incredibly hard to manage basic self-care, so things like showering tend to get farther apart than I would like, and my physical disabilities make this worse.

A lot of literature and some people talk about sliding ‘down’ into depression. For me, none of the psych issues I have feel like sliding ‘down’ or ‘up’ so much as they feel like a shift…sideways. A paradigm shift, a fundamental change in the relationship between me and the universe. Sometimes, as with a bipolar depression cycle, it’s a subtle, slow shift that can be hard to spot until I’m really far out and start getting a bit irrational. Other times, like panic attacks, it is as if the world SNAPS sideways, violently and suddenly, and the change is painful and frightening. My perspective is so altered that my former perspective is incomprehensible, or worse yet it feels like my former perspective is completely, utterly wrong.

With those more sudden shifts, I cannot actually tell that what I feel and sense is not rational processing. I am so completely in thrall to my mental state that reality does not have a bearing on how I feel. To give an example, if I end up in a car during a panic attack (which is a REALLY BAD IDEA), I am usually convinced that everyone on the road could potentially kill me at any moment. They might crash into me or pull out a gun on me or god only knows what, but any one of them could harm me. Now, my rational self knows that this is not the case. I drive defensively and am very aware of where cars are around me, so that I can change my position relative to them if there is a sudden accident or something similar, but I am not normally afraid of them. A panic attack takes rational caution and turns it into unthinking, unprocessed fear. The best way of dealing with a panic attack that I have discovered is to lock myself into my house, and then lock myself into my bedroom, and take the panic attack medication. Being in an otherwise empty room in an otherwise empty house is about the only thing that can assist the medication in bringing me down out of that terrified state.

You have to understand, when you are dealing with mental illness of any sort, part of what you are dealing with is fundamentally irrational thought. ‘Everyone thinks I am stupid and ugly and annoying’ is not rational. After all, I know that I have friends and that the boyfriend thinks I am incredibly sexy. But the depression-colored lenses make it much harder, if not impossible, to see that. That’s how depression gets you. You aren’t just sad or down in the dumps, you’re irrational. That’s how depressed suicides happen. You believe something like, ‘I hurt the people around me so much and so often that they will be happier if I no longer exist to hurt them.’ In a depressed state, you can honestly believe that the hurt your death will cause is less than the hurt you will cause by existing. Anyone who has true friends and loved ones can tell you that this is emphatically not so! But in a depressed state, the trouble you cause by existing is often magnified so dramatically in your mind that you cannot believe that your death could possibly cause more.

Likewise, in a depressed state, your present pain can be dramatically magnified, to the point where you cannot believe that it is worth continuing.

Suicide is not a selfish act. It is an act of great pain and desperation, and sometimes the person trying to kill his- or herself actually believes they are doing an altruistic thing by removing the pain they cause their loved ones. Suicide is an act of irrational views and skewed thought. It is the product of a mental state that is fundamentally unhealthy.

So I guess that brings us to the question of what you DO about mental illness.

If you are very privileged and very lucky, you find a good therapist and a good psychiatrist or doctor. That involves a lot, though – it involves having the financial resources to get ‘help’. It often involves a lot of phone calls and searching and trying out new people, which is incredibly difficult when you’re starting from that slide sideways. It involves recognizing that you actually need help, which a great many people never do. It involves an element of luck – finding the right drug and the right doctor and the right therapist is really hard.

For the sake of argument, let’s say you have the privileges to be able to access appropriate treatment.

First, you have to find a doctor and/or shrink who has openings for new patients.
If you’re lucky, their personality and approach to therapy will be a match for you. I’ve only had a good match with about 1/3 of the therapists I have seen over my lifetime, with a more-or-less adequate match with another 1/3, leaving 1/3 who were absolutely abysmal and actually harmful to my wellbeing.

Next, you get to start the drug merry-go-round. We don’t know exactly why or how psychoactive drugs work, so we can’t predict with any accuracy how an individual will react to them. For any individual, some drugs will make him/her better, some will make him/her worse, and some will either cause other problems of equal weight or just not work. A drug may make someone better, but not better ENOUGH. Even drugs that work may eventually cease to be effective. We don’t know why, we only know that it happens. Personally, the worst depression I’ve ever had was made deeper by a mood stabilizer that didn’t work for me. I’ve also had a prescription make me sleep 18-20 hours a day. I’ve had one kick me out of a depression and straight into mania. I’ve had a drug that worked for circa 6 years abruptly cease to work. It is a journey of great potential dangers and great potential rewards. You can’t just skip off to your doctors and get some pills and be all better – not unless you are unbelievably, deeply lucky.

Now, even if you have insurance that allows you to do all of this, most companies will make you fight for it. Argue to keep your therapy covered. Struggle to get the prescription that works covered and keep it covered. Fight to get enough visits to do you any good. And heaven help you if you need to be hospitalized, because many insurance plans do not cover mental health hospitalizations.

A big part of what makes mental health issues so hard to deal with is the prejudice and misunderstanding. In dealing with my particular disabilities, I have to accept that there are times that I am not particularly sane. However, not being particularly sane doesn’t mean I grab a kitchen knife and start whacking people up. It’s far more likely to mean that I go curl up in bed and only get out when I MUST go to the bathroom or eat. Being mentally ill doesn’t make me a danger. I’m not hazardous to other people, and frankly most of the time I’m not even hazardous to myself. I’m not some ticking time bomb. I’m just…a person who has greater ups and downs than average, and I am sometimes ruled for very short periods of time by my irrational fears or my irrational needs for cleanliness in the house. I’m sure that can make being close to me difficult at times, but I shouldn’t be treated like some kind of harmful, dangerous freak.

Forgive me if this piece is long and rambling. I don’t talk about mental health all that often, and this was kind of triggered by reading a very good piece written by my friend here – http://naamah-darling.livejournal.com/437140.html.


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I have class in 4 hours. I’m to present the opening argument for a very complicated case, which means I need to come up with a theme, a feel, an idea about why this case should go the way I think it should.

It’s hard. It’s the most complicated piece of work we’ve seen all semester. I don’t know which of the witness’s statements to believe. I don’t know who the gun belongs to, or whether the bar owner was handling bets illegally in his bar.

And worst yet, my brain just won’t…start. It feels like I’m sitting in a car, turning the key and hearing the starter going but the engine just won’t catch and turn over. Again and again and again and…nothing. No spark. No roar into life. No flash of inspiration, of understanding. No ideas. Nothing.

I’ve spent far too many hours stuck in this mire since the maybe-seizure things started. It’s counterproductive, frustrating, and there’s not really anything I can do about it. I’m stuck with this brain that won’t go, wandering through this gelatinous fog of un-thinking, un-reasoning, un-being.

Of all the things you can do to me, taking away my ability to really THINK has to be the most painful for me. I’m used to living in this ache-ridden, fragile body, and the pain is something you cope with, but my mind…oh gods, don’t take my mind. It is bad enough to be a thinking mind imprisoned in a broken body. To be a dull and confused brain inside a broken body is entirely too cruel.

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Well, I had the first maybe-absence-seizure in class yesterday.

The professor was talking, I was taking notes, and suddenly the professor was talking about some different facet on a different slide about the same general subject. Mid-sentence, as far as I remembered.

Which I’m sure isn’t right. That professor tends to be pretty coherent and organized, and she goes through her slides in order. The fact that it wasn’t the same slide in her Powerpoint is what decided me that yes, I really must have lost time. Again.


This has just been a rough week. I’ve now had either 2 or 3 migraines (depending on whether you count a migraine returning circa 6 hours later as a second migraine) and 2 absence seizures since Thursday.

I am, at this point, seriously considering taking a medical withdrawal for this semester. This is not the first time I’ve been pushed to that point. Having accepted that it may be necessary has been kind of liberating; I’m not panicking about the reading that isn’t getting done because I can’t concentrate well enough to make sense of it. I just haven’t made the actual decision to pull the plug on this semester yet.

Oh bother, I just realized I haven’t told you guys about the appointment with the neurologist Friday.

There unfortunately isn’t much to report. They aren’t sure what it is. Maybe it’s absence seizures, but they don’t quite fit the profile – most of them are much too long. Maybe it’s some form of structural problem in the brain, but my MRI a little less than a year ago is clean. There’s some potential for it to be a problem with a blood vessel, the possibility of which becomes far more likely when you consider that I have family history of brain aneurysms. They’ll be doing a MRA – that is, a magnetic resonance angiogram, a map of the blood vessels. I’m also to have an EEG done, but they aren’t terribly hopeful about catching the activity as these things are only happening about twice a week.

The nuisance here is that I am not allowed to drive until we know what is going on, and they won’t have me back for 3 months. So here I am, stuck without being able to use my car, as my northern city slides into late fall and winter. I miss the temperate southern climes I grew up in, where frost was the worst you could expect on the coldest of mornings.

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