A great many people take Thanksgiving as a time to reflect on what they are grateful for, and how great their lives really are.
I’m not. It’s the end of Thanksgiving weekend, and I didn’t get more than a couple hours worth of schoolwork done all weekend when I was hoping to get caught up. My concentration is shit and I keep dozing off over my books. I may not be allowed to take one of my exams because I missed a ton of class due to this muscular whatever the hell that seems to be tangled up with the arthritis. While I feel better once I’ve been awake for about 3 hours, that’s longer than I can manage to be awake before class (that is, I can’t wake up 3 hours before class). Were I to try it, I’d have to stay lying down because I’ve had a very limited amount of sit-up time, and I’d fall back asleep. I did try once. Fail.
I’m tired. I’m sick – I have something that has completely stuffed up my head and blocked up my ears, and I have a GI bug giving me diarrhea. Monday, I fainted and we don’t know why – I wasn’t having any dysautonomia/POTS symptoms, I just turned my head to the right, had shooting pain, and woke up slouched against the couch. On Tuesday, Hudson did the unbelievable – he pooped in the building where my physical therapists’ is. My sleep schedule is utterly and completely screwed up. I keep forgetting to make the phone calls I need to make to get doctor’s apts and other things set up. Not getting those appointments means I don’t get help with the things that are causing problems. It’s a lovely catch-22.
The arthritis-of-some-kind is improving dramatically, but the improvement in my joints has made something else very clear. I think at the beginning, about 1/2 of my pain and loss of motion was muscular; at this point, I’d say that’s 3/4 of what I’m experiencing. I suspect I couldn’t separate the two out because with EDS, the pain is as much in your muscles and surrounding ligaments as it is in your joints themselves. And it doesn’t improve. Heat makes it very slightly better, motion starts as agony but eases into more comfortable motion. Rest just means that I’ll be in pain when I start moving again (though if I do not rest and try to move all the time, the result is even worse). I don’t really know what to do about all of that.
I forgot to get some critical paperwork filled out, and the deadline was 2 weeks ago. I’m not sure if they’ll be able to work with me.
I had this dream several weeks ago, that I was diagnosed formally for the arthritis. I quit law school, and between us my fiance and I put together a shop where I could do just about anything artistic I wanted. It was quite a nice dream. The best part was that I no longer had massive deadlines hanging over my head. I’ve fallen behind on everything and blown every deadline since this all started in March. I’m tired of always waiting for someone to get upset with me because I’m not doing enough, not present enough, et cetera.
It’s funny, I dream about not going to law school and I’m not sure I want to finish, and yet my first response to an email that suggested I might not be allowed to finish a class (and possibly more than one) was to be so deeply upset that I was wildly nauseous and very upset. I am less upset now, and the nausea is mild compared to how it was, but I still am loathe to accept an external force causing me to quit rather than choosing it for myself. Because I’ll admit, it is a possibility. It’s just not one I like much when I don’t have a choice, and when I have gotten So Damn Close to finishing law school.
I’m not saying I don’t have things to be thankful for. I do. I’m just refusing to be a Pollyanna and pretend that those things are in and of themselves enough to make life all good right now. My fiance and my dog are wonderful, my lawschool has been pretty good about working with me, I have health insurance and a roof over my head and a car that functions, and all of these are good things. Just life as a whole is…on the rough side right now.
Bleh. My stomach is roiling again, and hte muscles of my arms, legs, back, and abdomen all ache and hurt. This kind of pain makes me think of over-twisted rope, ready to snap. *sigh*
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