This is my post for the Assistance Dog Blog Carnival. I’ll link to the Carnival post once it’s up!
The theme for this Carnival is ‘Reactions’.
One of the things they warn you about when you go to get a service dog is that you’re about to become a lot more visible, and they’re right. They’re so right that even when you expect that, it’s a little overwhelming. You can’t so much as go pick up your medications at the pharmacy without someone making a comment. Maybe they’ll ask to pet him. If you have a dog like mine, who isn’t definitely of a recognized breed, they’ll ask you what breed he is, and often make suggestions as to what they think he is (some of which will be truely absurd). They’ll comment on how well behaved he is, and some of them will talk about wishing their dogs were as good. They’ll tell you you have a handsome dog. They’ll comment on your gear. They’ll point you and your dog out to their children. The vast majority of them will say your dog is a guide dog, because the use of other types of assistance dogs isn’t as well known.
It’s kind of exhausting, and every now and again, I find myself wanting to say one simple thing to them: he’s not here for you. I don’t get to, though, because as a service dog partner, I am treated as an ambassador for all assistance dog pairs out there. I have to make nice, because a bad interaction with a service dog or their partner might make someone stop letting assistance dogs into their businesses, which amounts to not letting people with disabilities into their businesses.*
So here’s what I want to say, when it’s been a long day and I’m just trying to finish up and get home. Please be warned that the rest of this post is extremely sarcastic and a bit angry.
Yes, I know every dog lover is happy to see my dog out in public.
Yes, it’s very nice that you’re not petting him, good for you on reading part of the signs on his gear. I wish you got the ‘do not distract’ part, though, because your bending down and babytalking at him is getting his attention and I’m going to have to give my dog a verbal correction for something that isn’t entirely his fault so that he doesn’t learn that he can pay attention to other people like that.
Yes, I’m sure your dog looked just like him, except small and white and not so fluffy. How very similar.
Yes, you know what? My 65 pound dog is part ‘scotty dog’. How ever did you guess?
Oh, by all means, please distract my dog from what he is doing and damage his training by petting him. That is ever so good for us. I will remember you the next time he dashes down the stairs and knocks me over so someone can pet him.
Please, give my dog human food! It’s not like doggy digestion is a bit on the delicate side and human food isn’t designed for them. I’m sure I won’t be dealing with diarrhea for the next two days.
Why hello stranger, it is ever so kind of you to take pictures of us without asking me if it’s okay! I love being an object of curiousity for you!
How wonderful it is that you let your children run over and pet strange dogs without asking the owner first!
Please, ask me if you can ride my dog. Yes, that harness on his back there is for your entertainment, and I haven’t heard that one before.
Do you really need to know what breed he is? How clever of you to guess.
I’m so glad you approve of his haircut. I’m not sure if you’re asking if I groom him myself because you are impressed by what the widdle crippled girl can do or because you want to show off your own dog grooming knowledge. Maybe you’re looking for the name of a good dog groomer.
Why yes, he does wear boots when it’s snowy out. Gee, no one has ever told me how cute they are before.
Please, don’t feel like you have to ask if I mind talking, even though I’m near collapsing and exhausted and flushed in the face. I’m sure you could tell that I came here specially to chit-chat with you while I wait for the trolley to come.
What this all adds up to is one little thing: I’m tired of getting singled out by people who are looking for any excuse to talk to the girl with the dog. Yes, I’m sure that I’m a curiousity, and you rarely see other assistance dogs, and you’re curious. But please, take your curiousity online the next time. Even if you go to another service dog user’s blog, they have the luxury of answering you when they have energy and patience to do so.
I don’t want to be stared at, any more than I did when I used crutches. I’m a normal person going around doing normal person things, and while I love the furry little pants off Hudson, I don’t want my every public interaction to be about him or about the disability that causes me to need him. I just want you to treat me like anyone else. Do you know how long it’s been since anyone commented on anything other than my dog and my braces?
* This sentence originally said “…someone stop letting dogs into their businesses.” Sharon pointed out that it’s not about the dogs, it’s about the people with them. You see, under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA), it isn’t the dogs who have rights, it’s the people-with-dogs who have rights. It’s a pretty important difference, which is why I thought it was worth correcting.
Brilliant Mind Broken Body 
Rock ON! HELL, yeah! Exactly.
One thing that hit me right in the face when I read this, which is of course, what we are all told and think, the “ambassador” thing:
“Because as a service dog partner, I am treated as an ambassador for all assistance dog pairs out there. I have to make nice, because a bad interaction … might make someone stop letting dogs into their businesses.”
Marginalized people always feel pressure to “represent” well. And in some cases, we are outright told or admonished by others (in or outside our group) to not give others in our group “a bad name.”
But I’ve never thought before just how much PWDs who are partnered with assistance dogs are *required* to be model minorities. We are not being told, specifically, “You’re an ambassador/representative for all other PWDs.” We’re told we’re an ambassador for all AD teams. But, it amounts to the same thing, because only PWDs partner with ADs.
In fact, it’s not that businesses might not allow other dogs in, it’s that they will prevent access for other PWDs (who are accompanied by ADs) if we are not model minorities.
…you know, I’m going to correct that, because it’s a big error.
ROFL, omg: Thank you!
You have no idea how many times I’ve thought this! Although it’s usually along the lines of :”Please endanger my life for your own personal entertainment, while using up what little energy I had for the day!” ..Particularly after an incident where three children escaped their mother and followed us around the store for an hour. We herded them up twice and returned them to their rightful place, only to have a store employee need to rescue us from them a short while later. Sallie is so sweet to children, but even she looked concerned they were on the loosed without supervision.
I’m not sure which was more appalling: being followed, needing rescue or 3 children under the age of 8 somehow getting to the otherside of a Walmart supercenter without their mother so much as flinching, let alone moving from her spot. Thrice!
OMG, this is a great post. I can also add please distract my dog, especially by jumping in front of us in the middle of a non-lighted busy street that has several pedestrian accidents per year and begin petting or trying to feed her.I have been followed too; 4 children under six followed me from the bank to mcdonalds and the store, and I kept wondering where their adults were and why it was ok to follow strangers and dogs.
LOVED this post!!
I’m pretty sure I have thought or muttered all of those things to myself or whoever was with me while it was happening.
I’m a horribly sarcastic person and I have very little patience for stupidity. On bad pain days, you add irritability and a short fuse to that mix. I hate having to grit my teeth and politely answer and listen. I do a lot of smiling and nodding. I don’t want to make things harder for other PWD but geez, people, realize that despite our disabilities we are still normal people with varied personalities and yes, we do get irritated and don’t want to talk to you!
Ok, I’ll stop rambling now. Fantastic post as usual!
This is a great post.
As a Dog Person who is an introvert but also loves talking about dogs: is there any safe subject? Most dog owners love talking about their dogs. I can understand why it would get old for PWD that have dogs though!
From you I’ve already learned a bunch of service/assistance dog etiquette (no touching, no distracting, don’t ask/pry into why they have the dog, talk to the human being and not the dog) and I’d like to think I can read people enough that if someone was tired or just didn’t feel like talking that I would bugger off. But Small Talk happens!
When I run my “treat them like any other person” filter, I feel like even a “how are you today?” could be a loaded question for a PWD. Am I overthinking this?
Well, here’s the thing: it isn’t really fair to you, but we’re deluged with questions about our dogs. If we don’t know you, you’re at a risk of hitting us at one of ‘those’ times, where we’re tired and cranky and have already had sixteen people ask nosey questions about our partners that day. If we do know you, we’re likely to be a lot more comfortable talking to you about our dogs. The likelihood that you’re asking because you want to know us rather than because you’re curious get higher the longer we’ve known each other. And that matters. It matters that I’m not an object of curiousity to other people.
There are things you have to keep in mind when you’re considering us not wanting to talk about our dogs. First off, we take our dogs everywhere, all the time, so people want to talk to us about them more because they see them more. Second, we take our dogs into all kinds of places other dogs aren’t allowed, so again, we run into more people who want to talk to us. Finally, our dogs are medical equipment, so talking to someone about their service dog…well, we love them, but they’re also tools. I’m guessing you probably wouldn’t walk up to someone with a purple cane and randomly comment that it’s your favorite color and how awesome that they found a cane that color.
Finally, it is way more okay to ask if we’re up for talking about our dogs than it is to just launch into it. That gives us an out, and more importantly, it says that it matters to you whether or not we want to participate in the conversation. That request for permission works towards leveling the field, where you started out above us because you have ablebodied priviledge. The caveat of course is that you have to be willing to totally drop it if someone says they aren’t interested, and it sounds like you wouldn’t have trouble with doing so.
‘How are you today?’ can go one of two ways. It’s often used as a semi-meaningless greeting between people, which is fine and normal. Everyone does that, and most of us are okay with doing that if we know it’s what is expected. If you ask it actually wanting to know how we’re doing, it’s another thing – it’s a thing that we appreciate, because those of us who are chronically ill or in chronic pain very often hit a point where our friends and family stop wanting to know because there’s always something wrong. The few people who genuinely want to know, they’re special in our lives.
Thanks for elaborating! “Can I ask you about your dog?” is so obvious I can’t believe I didn’t think of it.
I never thought about the dogs being medical equipment! You’re right, I wouldn’t ask a stranger about their braces or crutches. Someone I was becoming more familiar with/friendly with then yes, but for this question I was assuming it was someone I don’t know.
I’ve read stories from other PWD where they are completely ignored in social situations, ABP pretend not to see them, and so that’s the angle I’m coming from. I don’t want to shun someone I don’t know because I’m afraid of putting my foot in my mouth (which is part of my own social anxiety but that’s another issue).
I appreciate your blog a lot because it helps me to be in your shoes and understand the issues you face every day. I should probably be reading the rest of the blogs in the disability carnival more often to broaden my understanding further.
My experience as a PWD is that we get one of two extremes: we get ignored or we get attention specifically because of our disabilities. Neither are nice to experience, because either way we’re not being treated as people. I can’t tell you how much I love it when someone comments on one of the buttons on my backpack (which include buttons about feminism, a pro-safe-sex button, and a button about spinning, one of my favorite hobbies) or how much they like my shirt instead of something disability-related or dog-related. It is so nice to be treated like anyone else that it’s kind of sad, in terms of what it says about how other people treat us.
As far as wanting to talk to us but being worried about putting your foot in your mouth, the thing to keep in mind is this: people first. I call myself a person with a disability to emphasize that before anything else, I am a person. It is TOTALLY cool to comment on my awesome shoes as a stranger, or about the event we’re at, or ask about my major if we’re on a college campus. Anything you’d talk about with a ‘normal’ person should be on the table unless you have a reason to know we aren’t experiencing it.
Reading at different blogs put on by people who talk about their disabilities is a great way to educate yourself. It lets you see our views, and hear our voices, and get your education in the bites we want to provide.
You said, “But Small Talk happens!” However, as a person with Aspergers, making small talk is very foreign and difficult for me. I have studied ‘teaching English as a Second Language’, and also Acting, so I know the formulas, and patterns for making small talk, but, trust me, for me, it does not ‘just happen’. Very, very difficult and time wasting.
You’re right, I didn’t consider neurodiversity and/or introversion when I wrote that. Mea culpa. Particularly as an outstandingly extraverted person, I forget that sort of thing sometimes. Thank you for pointing that out.
Oooh! THANK YOU! I intended my post to be in the same vein, but was much less successful than you were. Frankly, I must admit to being . . . frustrated . . . that people interact with Cura (despite the patch on her vest AND my best efforts to keep her from being distracted) more than they speak to me. I find it RUDE! What is even more disturbing to me is that I am getting so used to this treatment that I don’t even really notice anymore!
“He’s not here for YOU.” Love that! Thanks for sharing.
Great post! I love the sarcasm. 😀
Great post! I don’t mind being asked questions most of the time when Cessna and I are out, but there are definitely those moments where I’d really like to say something unpleasant 🙂
the people I dislike talking to the most are the ones who say “Hi, my brother )this can be replaced by any relative or friend) has a black lab.” This is when my husband and I just nod and smile and move on 🙂 What am I supposed to say? Well, that’s nice lol! or when we get the people who come up to us to tell us that their relative or friend is also blind…so what?
Thanks for saying the things we would all like to, but just can’t 🙂
Yeah, usually when someone comments that they know someone with a ‘doodle, I just smile and say, “Great breed, aren’t they?” The smile, of course, is that saccharin fake smile you use when what you really mean is ‘Go away. Now.’ I often then turn so I’m not facing them. If I’m with someone, I start (or re-start) our conversation; if I’m alone, I pet Hudson or fiddle with some bit of his tack.
[…] handlers which looses sight of the entire reason these dogs are in public to begin with. The post, He’s not here for you is insightful and a must […]
When I started training with my guide dog Ushi we were told to be polite if we could as it might put people off from offering assistance.
The other day I was asked by this dude how he could train his dog to be obedient! I just said to be consistent. I didn’t have a clue!
Take care, torie and guide dog Ushi.
We definitely had it pointed out to us that we were effectively ambassadors for assistance dogs in general and our school in particular when I was in training, which is why all those things I want to say, I don’t.
I usually point people at clicker training. There was a DVD we had to watch before training started that I recommend to people called ‘Click and Go’, which they sell at dogwise.com. It’s a good introduction to clicker training for someone who has no experience with it, and is enough for the sorts of things most people want to train their dogs to do.
I never thought of that lol. I haven’t saw the dude since lol. When you’re caught in the moment you just gotta go with the flow! Xxx
Totally! I’m definitely not always ‘with it’ enough to remember that DVD, and it’s something my program required I watch before team training. I do find it’s very helpful for ending the ‘I wish I could train my dog like that’ conversations, which some people will try to continue for AGES.