Wednesday, Sept. 23-
I didn’t make it in to school today. Today, I’m a pinball machine that has been bumped off balance one too many times, eyes blinking ‘Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!’
It’s something you can’t make a habit of, missing school – especially in law school, where a huge part of what you learn, you learn in class. But sometimes, life catches up with you a little too hard.
It is one thing to know you are having a test done to discover whether you have an auto-immune problem with your thyroid. It is, as it turns out, entirely another to actually be having it done. In half an hour, I leave to go drink some radioactive iodine. Sounds yummy, doesn’t it? They scan my thyroid, and I leave, and come back to the house that is empty because the boyfriend spends two days a week at his school, 90 minutes away, where he works as a tutor (which pays his tuition and gives him a stipend to live on). I do so hate coming home to the empty house.
And really, it’s not just the thyroid. It’s the headaches, too. You see, in the last month, I’ve had out of control migraines. Headaches bad enough that my medications don’t begin to tame them, far more frequent than they’ve ever been. We don’t know why there was this sudden shift in activity. Counting yesterday, I’ve had 3 migraines in the space of a week. It’s absurd, disruptive, frustrating, and frightening. My disability level is bad enough without losing 3 days a week to migraines.
I ended up in the ER on Friday because of the most severe migraine I’ve ever had, and now they think things are at a new level: ‘complex’ migraines. Thursday and Friday, I kept having minor problems with my vision – blurring, moments of double vision, complete loss of depth perception from time to time. They tell me that means there’s some neurological involvement with the migraines, which isn’t good news. Not that it’ll do any permanent damage, just that the migraines have the potential to be that much more debilitating. It was also the most painful my head has ever been, so severe that the first day of the migraine, I came home from class and took my migraine medications, and even though they didn’t work, it didn’t occur to me to go to the hospital.
At that point, I had to leave to make it to my thyroid testing. I found out, when I was there, that whether my condition was autoimmune or not, it would be treated just as it has always been treated – a dose of synthroid to balance things. Nothing more, nothing less. It was, in its way, a very soothing answer. There would be no new treatment, nothing to change the balance of the way things have been with my thyroid for the past 6 years. It was a little uncomfortable, the thought that if your body is attacking your thyroid, they don’t do anything about it, but I suppose it is what it is.
I saw my doctor on Friday, and he went over the test – he said that I have nodules in my thyroid, which are affecting its productivity, but that it’s not auto-immune. A good thing, he said, as it meant no new treatment and no surgery. Eep! Totally not what they told me would happen for AI thyroid problems on Wednesday, but I suppose it doesn’t matter since I don’t need it.
I’m finishing this entry now, on Sunday, because it felt like something worth posting.
I suppose it gives a little view into the headspace of living with this boggling array of disabilities and health problems. It’s a shade embarassing to admit I have days like that, but well…I do. I think that, too, is part of living with all of this. Sometimes, it just overwhelms you into shutting off for a bit.